Automatic for the Pee

I shall now attempt to list Innovations in Toilet History without doing any research whatsoever:

Water closets and commodes replaced outhouses so the waste could be flushed away.

Someone decided a second seat would be helpful in providing (1) more comfort for sitting, and (2) a wider berth for men to urinate. Though women have forever complained about leaving the seat up, I, as a man, have never bemoaned the seat being down when I choose to stand.

Perhaps enough others bemoaned, because someone invented the C shaped seat to replace the oval. I can only assume this helps exceptionally large people, and I’ll leave "large" to your definition. I’ve never personally required the gap and I still have the courtesy to lift the seat to pee.

Within the last two decades – and probably more recently – someone invented the automatic toilet flusher. Sensors detect when I’m finished with my business and the commode flushes without my direction. I hate this.

Firstly, that sensor has a direct view of my ass. I’m not usually paranoid, but who’s to say the computer chip isn’t constantly transmitting photos to the internet? It’s not a pretty thought, and I’d like to wipe it from my mind.

Secondly, I stand up to wipe. Flush. Toilet paper. Flush. Toilet paper. Flush. I’m far from an environmental activist, but how much wastewater is required to turn off the buggers until I'm ready?

(God help the unfortunate soul who drops something in the bowl.)

If the point is hygiene – I no longer have to touch the handle so many others have used while their hands are less-than-ideally sanitary – then those hygienists should also be aware that toilets should have lids to avoid any possible germ splash. I don’t like public restrooms to begin with, but I’m willing to use seat covers and wash as necessary. Pulling a handle isn’t a big worry, and if it was, I can always wrap my hand in unused toilet paper first.

If the point is to avoid those people who gleefully leave souvenirs for future stall-sitters, I understand. I tend to hope our population isn’t that generous as a whole.

Regardless, it seems my best option is to avoid detection by taping an index card over the sensor before dropping trou. At the very least, I’ll need to start signing other names to my briefs' waistbands.