Derailing the Spiral Staircase

There aren't enough extreme sports that feature ladders. Really, for all the hype about how dangerous they are, what rung I'm not allowed to stand above, weight limits, keeping both legs on a flat, even surface, and the proportionally inversity between balance and precariousness - the only thing they don't have is good televisability. But that's nothing a couple cans o' spray paint can't remedy.

The joke about "who was the very first person who thought of drinking milk" has been around too long for anyone to laugh anymore. What I'm curious about - who was the very first person who thought "Hey! I want to grow some food! Quick - let's collect feces and plant seeds in it!"

Man, it had to suck to be Plato. There's a guy who wasn't getting any action. Imagine going through his whole life with all of his relationships being Platonic.

Let's say you were arrested for a crime you didn't commit, and you're in the interrogation room - y'know, the kind with the two-way mirror, and you discover they installed it improperly, so you can see the cops on the other side, but they're merely looking at reflections of themselves, but they're all narcissists, so they're cool with that, and the detective keeps drilling you with questions about where you were and when you were there and why you ordered carrots at a restaurant when you'd never eat them at home, and you finally crack and admit it was you who tried putting a flattened peanut butter sandwich in a Redbox, but you can't be blamed because your children had been inputting sandwiches in the VCR for years, and what's good for the goose leaves welts on your rear end.

Babies' high chairs should have ejection seats. It's not like any more food would be flying. Just sayin'.

Goal d'week: set up a radio next to my phone, so when I tell people I'm putting them on hold, I'll start playing Mahna-Mahna, Rick Astley, or something else you can't get out of your head no matter how hard you try. Hmm. What happens when multiple songs stick? Do they mesh into some sort of medley, or do they overlap in some fiendish counterpoint?

Who came up with the term "brick" for a line-drive basketball shot? Of all the real bricks I've thrown in my life, only two have bounced. The rest left chips in the gymnasium floors.

In the last work building, the bathroom lighting emphasized my white hairs. This one has softer lighting, but somehow it accentuates my acne. I fear the only way bathroom lighting can be complimentary is to be exceptionally dim. Ah, but that's when the floor gets sticky near the urinals.

Coming up with ten obscure thoughts in one sitting is about 10% harder than coming up with nine obscure thoughts in one sitting.