Elevator Dynamics

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

Actually, this would make more of a private service announcement, as no more than a dozen people will ever read this, unless one of you with too much time on your hands posts it somewhere with a broader audience, and someone within that expanded spectrum forwards it to five of his friends for fear of falling out an open window and plummeting seventeen stories to his death because he didn't know how chain letters operate. Or it could go viral. But odds are, my P in PSA stands for private.

Also, this entry would work better as a video than written words. I've intended to shoot it for a long time, but mice and men appear to have better intentions than mine, so this is what you get. If you're that desperate for the visual, then post a video of yourself reading this. Whee.

My father is an elevator mechanic, and has been for forty-plus years. I have ridden elevators for most, if not all, of my nearly thirty-nine years on this planet. In that time, I have conducted informal research about people placement that has produced irrefutable evidence. Maybe no one's refuted it because I haven't presented it aloud before. And again, because this is a written blog and not a video entry, I'm not presenting it aloud here. Suffer.

One person may stand wherever they wish in an elevator. The natural tendency is to push (in Nashville, it's often said "mash") the button for the desired floor, then step backwards until your rear touches the back wall of the elevator.

With two people, the back wall is no longer necessary. The first person should shift to the far corner of the elevator from the buttons, while the second person should take one step back, thereby avoiding sharing a plane or any chance of peripheral eye contact. In the event the second person is exceptionally self-conscious about their behind, they may step back all the way to the wall, but the first person need not progress forward.

If a third person enters the elevator, the first two assume both back corners and the third person stands immediately behind the doors. This should (and often does) scare the crap out of those impatient folks who try to step into an elevator car before the doors are completely open. Because they'd have to step through a person. Which is rude and socially unacceptable.

Four people, as might be conventionally expected, shift to the four corners of the elevator. All eyes look forward, even for the front two who have little to see beyond the buttons and weight capacity warnings.

The fifth person should proceed directly to the middle of the back wall and instruct person #3 (now locked into the operator role) which floor to push.

Any number beyond five becomes a crowd with no rhyme, reason, or order. Ignoring the logic of dominoes, which would maximize weight distribution, people will tend to surge toward whoever smells the least offensive.

Note: All the positions described above deal with strangers and lose meaning when the riders know each other. In such a scenario, clusters form and sight lines etiquette is abandoned, favoring views of one another rather than the doors or front wall. In the event an elevator has four or more acquaintances aboard when the doors open, potential passengers may bypass joining in favor of a car full of strangers.

Mirrored elevators, though stylish (and hard to keep clean), will let you see when you have a piece of food stuck between your teeth. Please, if this occurs, remember: you're on an elevator and not in a bathroom. Close your lips, wait for your stop, then get to a bathroom before trying to floss with sideways fingernails. Thank you.