Unscientific Theory

I want to harvest sunshine. Not for solar power, but for something cooler. Lasers, maybe. Set up some kind of station with magnifying glasses and a fireproof container and see what kind of product I could generate. There are nine problems with this scenario, and I'll go into great detail on at least none of them.

#1. My shoes aren't right for the job. The soles are thinning and they're too cheap to bother fixing. I'd consider insulated shoes for my next pair, but they'd get too hot and I'd end up harvesting athlete's foot fungus instead. No.

#2. There's a dire shortage of stained glass on this planet. We just moved into a 29-story skyscraper with floor-to-ceiling glass on all four sides. Huge panes. How many of them are colored beyond a minor tint? Zero. Perhaps fairness is too devoted to love and war to concern itself with such matters.

#3. I can't remember if I've ever ridden in a helicopter. I know I've been on a seaplane to Catalina Island, and something tells me we helicoptered one direction, but that may have been a dream. (The helicopter, not the island.)

#4. Hepcats refuse to acknowledge the big band swing dancing revival that was rampant nearly fifteen years ago is now obsolete again. It's still cool to conduct a dance with a live band/orchestra, but if you're resorting to a DJ, why not go all out and rent a roller skating rink?

#5. Tapioca.

#6. Back in junior high school, I collected comic books. One Marvel heroine named the Dazzler was a pop singer who could absorb sound and transmit it into light. She was obviously conceived by women. And more obviously drawn by men. I can't shake the feeling that Marvel hoped to cross-platform and release an album by a comic character. For that matter, why didn't Stillwater release an album after Almost Famous? What about Dewey Cox? I know Spinal Tap has several EPs, but did the Folksmen ever put anything out? Anyone post-The Commitments?

#7. If I take all the sunlight, then how will plants photosynthesize oxygen from our carbon dioxide? Really now.

I guess I'll have to go back to desk battles between my tape dispenser and stapler. You'd think it'd be an easy win for the stapler, but it's hard to open wide enough to staple anything while you're completely wrapped in tape. Something to consider.