Baby Steps

If you're ever going to be a notorious kidnapper, you should start laying the groundwork sooner than later.

Step 1: The random note. See, that's where things get sketchy. I meant to write "ransom" note, but one typo and suddenly it looks like those spammy emails so prevalent ten years ago, the kind that offered, "humphrey swing matchstick yellow rabbit lozenge snowman twist gorilla hearty mayor queen bicycle" with a link I was never bold enough to click. Bypassing that error, a ransom note must (1) be written using cut-out magazine letters or other untraceable type, (2) demand something ridiculous and unattainable, and (3) possess a cryptic threat in a riddle which can be solved by third graders but not logical adults.

Step 2: Selecting a target. Many people may claim this to be the primary step, even more important that a ransom note. I see their point, but really, the idea is to get what you want, right? Figuring out who gets kidnapped is secondary, because it only makes sense to swipe someone who's relatives and loved ones have the potential to fulfill your demand. I wouldn't kidnap the daughter of a rubber duck factory mogul if what I really wanted was a toy boat.

Step 3: Avoid Stockholm Syndrome. Few things are more difficult than trying to return a victim when they no longer want to get away. Sure, the admiration derived from mental and emotional torture are fun from time to time, but before you know it, your kidnappee won't let you go out with your friends without the third degree. Then, really, who's suffering?

Step 4: Prepare for the worst case scenario. I've watched enough episodes of Rescue Heroes with my boys to know the best defense against a tidal wave or avalanche is hitting it with a bigger tidal wave or avalanche. Using the simple transitive principle, I derived the best strategy against getting caught by authorities is hitting them with bigger authorities. I recommend the IRS. Or intergalactic peacekeepers. Sadly, Canadian mounties don't trump nearly enough organizations.

Step 5: Be patient. Waiting is the hardest part. It must be; why else would it be so common a song lyric?

Step 6: Start small. If you're not yet ready to attempt a full-fledged kidnapping, I suggest starting with a pet. Too many people consider that to mean cats or dogs, which could run away on their own. Snakes and hamsters vanish with regularity. Whereas a goldfish could never escape its aquarium on its own, so someone must have kidnapped it! If you're an animal activist, you could always take a compost heap or bicycle pedal. Show the people you mean business!

Step 7: Keep a blog. Without good documentation, you'll never star in your own reality television vehicle. Tabloids don't require good writing - they want photos. Preferably photos of embarrassing situations, like when you accidentally spilled hot coffee in your lap while you were experimenting with handcuffs. Let the hilarity ensue!

Good luck. Oh, and stay away from my family. We combined weapons to make the ultimate protection device: cow tasers. You've been warned.