Hershey's Streaks In My Pants

It's no secret: I'm a mooch. In an office with over 300 employees, I can tell you where every candy dish resides, who stocks chocolate, what quarter-vending machine is broken and spills too much bounty so long as you don't crank it all the way around, and which employees are trying to diet and therefore will give me the brownies from their staff-supplied lunches. While I may not bum money off people like I did through high school, I'm shameless about asking for candy. I can't help it; from molar to molar, my mouth is jampacked with sweet teeth.

Yesterday, someone brought in their Easter bounty. Mind you, it's August, and Easter candy goes on sale in retail stores as of February 15. (I believe next Wednesday, the Christmas season will officially start --- for 2012.) Jellybeans aren't so chewy. Laffy Taffy has crisp around the edges. Despite the fact that miniature Reese's cups don't display expiration dates, the peanut butter filling is no longer prime. (I'll save my rant about why they wrap the cups in sticky brown wrappers for another date.)

I wandered across the majestic, overflowing Kroger bag around 9:30 in the morning. Riesens, Reeses, M&Ms, Hershey's miniatures, even a few York's - I stuffed as many as I could in my pockets without feeling greedy (which is to say no one walked in on my gluttonfest). As casually as anyone with pockets the size of cantaloupes can return to a desk, I did. I dumped at least two dozen pieces into my desk drawer, sufficient to last me through the week (or, in actuality, the afternoon).

I'm not sure whether it's fortunate or unfortunate, but no one called my cell phone until last night. I keep it in my left pocket. Let's just say LG isn't the only organization associating phones with chocolate. Missed a Mr. Goodbar. Oops.

I didn't see any dark brown on my khaki's exterior, so I avoided that embarrassment. But it's hard to explain to co-workers why I was sucking on my phone. (Sure, I could've used wet paper towels, but that's really a waste of good chocolate.)