Agony of The Feet

The new debate: which do I hate more, shoe shopping or my current pair of sneakers?

My last pair was comfortable enough until the poorly-structured side ripped out. My wife found a sale at Target and brought home a new pair of sneakers, but the insoles were somehow a few millimeters too small (and unattached), so they float around while I walk. For something so small, they're disproportionately annoying - much like acne.

After a week of podiatric bother, I ventured to buy myself a new pair of sneakers. (My nature is to use synonyms, but I refuse to call them "tennis shoes." Never have, never will. I also won't call slippers "house shoes," nor will I call a bathrobe a "housecoat." (While I'm rambling, I drink soda, not pop. "Coke" is only Coca-cola, and if I ask for one at a restaurant, I don't want the waitress to ask what kind. "Roof" has the same double-o as in tooth or zoo, and doesn't rhyme with "hoof." And I'll quit the semantics and colloquialisms here to avoid riffing like an old George Carlin bit.)

I went to Shoe Carnival. (1) They almost always run a special - buy one pair, get the second pair half-0ff. (2) I had two of my boys with me, and they can shoot hoops at the basketball cage. (3) Clearance specials cover a good section of the back, and size 12.5 shoes aren't the easiest to find. When I arrived, I discovered (1) no specials beyond spinning the wheel ($1.00 off? Wow! For a cheap pair, that's like one third off the sales tax! Joy!) (2) The boys are big enough to climb into the basketball cage, and I'm too big to chase them. (3) Clearance, schmerence. Nothing my size. After perusing aisle after aisle for thirty minutes, I decide I'm not shelling out fifty bucks here. Plus, there's a mall across the street with multiple sneaker options.

Holy crap! Nikes run three figures. So do most reputable brand names. I visit three stores, check price tags, and politely depart as the salespeople dismiss me as the cheap tightwad I am.

I finally abandon this endeavor and hit the play area by the food court so the boys can expend the energy collected by walking around with their old man. And I see it: Payless.

We enter the store, find a pair of nice, comfy, Champion sneakers that run $24.99. I try 'em on and walk around - they're not the best pair I've ever worn, but they'll work. I make the purchase and we leave.

Three days later, playing basketball, I come to a quick stop, my feet slide inside my shoes to the front, and my big toenail pushes against the leather. Not through it - which, retrospectively, I would've preferred. Instead, it pops like I just dropped a hammer on it. Black toenail. Bloody sock. New limp. The snug shoes are ten times more painful now, and I get to wait however long for the nail itself to die and fall off.

So do I buy another pair of shoes? Or do I quit my job and try to get hired by Crocs?