Sleepometer

With the seemingly unlimited technology we possess, has a machine yet been invented that quantifies the amount of sleep a person needs on a nightly basis? I underwent a sleep study two years ago for sleep apnea; doctors observed and videotaped me snoring and determined I stopped breathing twenty or so times every hour, which explained my grogginess at the time. Since then, I've worn the tube+mask apparatus on my face nightly, which makes it all but impossible to get a decent goodnight kiss.

Sure, there's the arbitrary "some people require only four hours of sleep, while most need a solid eight" guideline. I've also heard that too much sleep leaves you just as tired as not enough. If it hasn't yet been created, someone needs to build a contraption that considers comfort, time, REM (the one without Michael Stipe), stress, and whatever other factors, then derives an exact figure. If I was positive the ideal amount of sleep was seven hours and twelve minutes - and any more or less would make waking up like escaping quicksand - you can bet your sweet bippy (like I need anyone's sweet bippy?) I'd set my alarm clock appropriately and I'd leave the snooze untouched.

The other variable I only now considered is falling asleep. Though I've been tired enough lately to hit the pillow and feel the embrace of slumber within moments, that's not always the case. How many times have I stared at the illuminated red numbers beside my head to tell me I'm down to five hours and twenty-one minutes before the ugliest sound in the world pierces my ears? We need to have off-switches. Computers have sleep mode; why can't we?

Would waking up to an enjoyable noise make me happier in the morning? I used to possess a CD-player alarm clock, so I could set it to play whatever song I wanted. I utilized Duncan Sheik or something relatively smooth and calm, and I often woke up to the sound of the disc spinning as the gadget powered up so as not to wake my wife. I also slept through the first three tracks on occasion.

Methinks I need to take the Thomas Edison route. Wasn't he the inventor who took naps whenever and wherever he wanted?

Restaurant waiter: How would you like your steak, sir? Sir?
Me: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Wife: Medium rare for him, please. And if you have any quilts in the back, he's a big tipper.