I Want a Robot

My robot will dispense (and never run out of) M&Ms of whatever flavor I crave, be it peanut, krispie, new strawberry/peanut butter, or coconut. Does M&M have a headquarters where they distribute every flavor, like the Coca-Cola Museum in Atlanta?

My robot will provide GPS for errant golf shots I hit. It will also send out an inaudible, low-frequency pitch that negatively effects the backswing and follow-through of anyone I play with. Neither of these will help me break 120.

My robot will smell like freshly cooked cinnamon buns.

My robot will run two steps faster than I do, but it won't complain or hurt either of us when I tackle the crap out of it.

My robot will inspire and motivate me to compose the backlog of stories I have which would otherwise sit in my writer's notebook as idea seedlings. (What exactly is a seedling? Isn't a seed a baby plant? Do we need baby babies?)

My robot will provide traffic reports at the proper moments while I'm driving. No more receiving the report after I've poorly chosen the path with the looming jam. No more hearing the report fifteen minutes before I reach the intersection requiring a choice, since the entire pattern has changed since then. These traffic reports will be interspersed with my personal iPod which works by voice command. My robot will recognize the word "Kajagoogoo."

My robot will have a cooler that supplies tapioca pudding and Big Dog Root Beer on separate taps.

My robot will sense when my wife is angry at me, since I have such difficulty figuring this out early enough. It will also offer me intelligent suggestions for things to say, rather than egg me on sarcastically. My robot will slap me upside the head in front of my wife, sufficiently hard enough to appease her but not painful enough to inflict permanent damage.

My robot will transform into a go-cart which can safely bounce off other cars' tires along the highway with no fear of causing any accidents.

My robot will remember everything I forget. It will not remind me unless I ask it to.

My robot will be eco-friendly, whether that means solar power, rechargeable batteries, or better yet, perpetual motion. My robot will also possess an off-switch and it won't resist me killing its power.

My robot will read and record my dreams, calculate the precise moment when my sleep cycle would allow me to wake up feeling well-rested, and gently play wake-up music that encourages me to get out of bed. Or Sade, if it senses a good morning.

My robot will supply blog entries when I have nothing better to write about than robots.